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Nov. 7th, 2010 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaesaI'm not doing NaNoWriMo, but I'm still writing. I got through a hell of a scene tonight -- it made me shake and cry and I worry that it won't work, still -- I can't bring myself to reread it now -- but it's there and it's done and I needed to write it. It's every time my mother trapped me and threw verbal abuse at me until I snapped. Neither party comes out looking like anyone you'd want to know. It was hard to write given the real life stuff that I'm going through, and it even harder to write given that I've been having issues with OH MY GOD, PEOPLE CAN SEE MY THOUGHTS WHEN THEY READ MY STORIES.
The above is ...well, I did come to a realization after going to a concert with Katie, which was this: you can't really put your heart into a big creative project without bits of you showing up in it. Sometimes they float to the top, sometimes they have to be teased out carefully, but they're still going to be there. If Ezra Furman can put so much of himself into a performance and come out at the end of the night with everyone still liking him at the end, even after the songs he says are naive, and the angry songs, and the sad songs, what the hell am I so scared of? I mean, I only have like three fic-readers in the first place, so I'm not really sure what I'm so anxious about. (I don't know what the rest of you are here for, but I guess you like reading about me without my characters interfering. Maybe it's my fantastic taste in icons.) Which is not to say my writing is going to be All About Me now, but it's counterproductive to censor myself out of my writing entirely and still expect to write something I'd want to read.
Anyway, I know I have another hard scene coming up, but having the first one done makes me feel a lot better about my capacity to write. Whether the scene is good or not? I have no idea. But I wrote it -- I wrote the hell out of it and it is written, and I will look at it later. Another discussion scene, another hard emotional scene, BIG CLIMACTIC PLOTINESS (hint: Helga is awesome), some adventure, some humor, an awful lot of running, and this arc is finished and I can edit and post it while I work on the next plot arc.
The above is ...well, I did come to a realization after going to a concert with Katie, which was this: you can't really put your heart into a big creative project without bits of you showing up in it. Sometimes they float to the top, sometimes they have to be teased out carefully, but they're still going to be there. If Ezra Furman can put so much of himself into a performance and come out at the end of the night with everyone still liking him at the end, even after the songs he says are naive, and the angry songs, and the sad songs, what the hell am I so scared of? I mean, I only have like three fic-readers in the first place, so I'm not really sure what I'm so anxious about. (I don't know what the rest of you are here for, but I guess you like reading about me without my characters interfering. Maybe it's my fantastic taste in icons.) Which is not to say my writing is going to be All About Me now, but it's counterproductive to censor myself out of my writing entirely and still expect to write something I'd want to read.
Anyway, I know I have another hard scene coming up, but having the first one done makes me feel a lot better about my capacity to write. Whether the scene is good or not? I have no idea. But I wrote it -- I wrote the hell out of it and it is written, and I will look at it later. Another discussion scene, another hard emotional scene, BIG CLIMACTIC PLOTINESS (hint: Helga is awesome), some adventure, some humor, an awful lot of running, and this arc is finished and I can edit and post it while I work on the next plot arc.
